Silent for too long

con·vo·lut·ed – adjective
1. twisted; coiled.
2. complicated; intricately involved: a convoluted way of describing a simple device.

My mind feels a bit convoluted lately. Being the Googler and hypochondriac that I am, I try to explain this with thyroid imbalance, allergies, poor diet, etc. None of these are out of the question, but I wonder if there is another factor. I think, maybe, my non-writing over the last few years has caused my thoughts, ideas, dreams, and knowledge to fill up to over full capacity in my head. This would lead to "twisted, coiled, complicated, intricately involved" problems, no doubt. I visualize my mind as a damp, dark room filled with chairs missing rungs, tables missing legs, bookcases missing shelves, lamps missing light bulbs, etc. It's overcrowded, outdated, and overwhelming.

I don't talk. I don't write. Everything that comes to be in my mind for the most part stays in my mind. It is born, lives, and dies there. It is way past time for a spring cleaning. Can it even be salvaged? I could write a memoir of my life that will never be read. Perhaps that would clear some things out. Maybe I could find some things I've been missing. Like my memory. Maybe I would find some things I didn't even know I had! Like confidence in Christ. Boldness. A backbone. Maybe once things are cleared out and I find what I've been looking for, I can begin to refurnish. Like a nice new ability to communicate. Or the courage to confront. Definitely a cheery new joy and robustness.

What if talking or writing doesn't accomplish what I so desperately want? What if it instead causes analytical disaster? What if it cultivates harmful speculation? What if it opens the door for foolish counsel or worldly wisdom? What if it leaves me vulnerable to cutting criticism and crushing ridicule? These are all reasons I've been silent. Silent to myself and others.

I'm going to try this out as a form of treatment...much like House and his fellow doctors diagnose by treating a patient for a certain malady in order to confirm or disprove their theory. I'm going to write on here. Every day. I'm going to pray for help to talk. About little things and big things, significant things and even silly things.

Here goes...